Comment permalink

Know Your Opponents: The Bitchoramous

“All the good guys are taken.”


“Nice guys finish last.”


Or so they say. Personally, I think the saying should be, “Half the nice guys end up with Bitchoramouses*.”


*this indicates a certain personality type only and has no bearing on the height, weight, size, or appearance of the Bitchoramous.


Pardon my French, but I can’t even begin to think of how many nice guys I know who have ended up with girls who don’t deserve them. I don’t mean girls who have the occasional bad day because of PMS or girls who ask their boyfriends to do the dishes or get a job. 


I’m talking about the ones who control every single aspect of their boyfriend’s lives without considering the ramifications. The kind of girls who are so uptight they don’t know how to relax for two seconds and enjoy themselves and the kind of girls who are jealous whenever their boyfriend talks to another girl.


Why do guys stay with the bitchoramouses?


Maybe some of the guys are too scared to leave the bitchoramouses because the women have annihilated their boyfriend’s self-esteems; it’s difficult to make a major change if you don’t think you can do any better. Or perhaps they are fearful for their lives. Regardless of why the nice guys stay with this type of women, it’s important to understand the Anora Bitchoramus.


Consider the following a bit of a field guide, so you can know your opponent(s). As Pat Benetar sings, “Love is a Battlefield.”


Genus: Anora Bitchoramus



Anora Bitchoramus Occupius, commonly referred to as “control freaks” are obsessive and compulsive, and delight in controlling their environments and anyone who comes across their paths. In nine cases out of ten, the boyfriend brave enough to date an  Bitchoramous Occupius bears the brunt of her control-freak nature and is rarely given a “Get Out of Jail Free Pass” to see his friends. Women seeking friendships with Bitchoramus Occupius should proceed with caution.


Anora Bitchoramus Jelatini Bitchoramus Jelitini are extremely  protective of their mates. Not only is the boyfriend of a Jelatini not allowed to cheat or flirt, he is rarely allowed to ask any girl about the weather or how she is. Women seeking conversation with the boyfriend of an Anora Bitchoramus Jelatini are urged to carry Mace when the Jelatini is present.

Anora Bitchoramous Skilini:  The skilini is a special breed. If they feel they aren’t getting enough attention from their boyfriends, they will prey upon whatever guy is near and lavish him with attention. It’s never genuine attention to other guy; whenever her boyfriend isn’t around (or isn’t paying attention), the Skilini won’t pay any attention to the other guy.


Of course, the scientific community is rife with papers describing the varying kinds of Bitchoramous.